Anita Moorjani is helping me so much to whittle down my whole modus operandi to this: whether we realize it or not, we have a relationship with ourselves, and it is the most important part of our life. It affects everything: everyone around us, our health on even an atomic level, and our life story. (If we didn't have a relationship with ourselves, suicide wouldn't be a thing.)
There are two ways to interact with yourself: one is conscious and loving, the other is neither of those and manifests in its most extreme form as narcissism. Most of us are moving between the two; sociopaths are on one end of the spectrum (only someone who violently hates themselves kills another human being), "saints" on the other.
You can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. You can try, but you'll end up an exhausted martyr who sometimes or many times feels hard to be around.
Where you are in your relationship with yourself directly correlates with the theology or paradigms you are currently attracted to. Judge, condemn, and fear yourself, and you will find theology about sin and a punishing God to feel absolutely true. Love and understand yourself, and that stuff will start to feel absolutely wacky.
"Save yourself and thousands around you will be saved" was a quote from Seraphim of Sarov that changed my life ten years ago. It could also be rephrased as "Love yourself and thousands around you will feel love." We are not true individuals; any kindness, gentleness, self-care, or patience we extend to ourselves almost magically affects those around us, including our spouses and kids if we have them. Others can extend these gifts to us, but we also need to use them with ourselves in order for the love from other people to actually sink in and "work."
This is the secret to successful parenting, and the secret to a good life. Love yourself and everything else will follow. Love yourself and you will make it through the hard parts of life with less suffering (because love is a balm that eases pain). Love yourself and you'll be much less likely to find yourself attracted to an asshole partner. Love yourself and if your current partner is an asshole, he will either start to love himself and change, or you'll get strong enough to care for yourself by divorcing him. In my case, loving myself currently means extending love and empathy back in time to that 19-year-old me who made a marriage choice out of rigid rule-following that most definitely stemmed from a lack of self-love.
It feels really good to be able to put the pieces together like this. And the last two weeks have been the best I've ever experienced in my relationship and with my kids. I am so excited to see how my life keeps unfolding now that I have this paradigm to be confident in.
(P.S. Therapy - with a good counselor - seems to be helpful for so many people because it's a safe place for learning how to love yourself better. The "cognitive behavioral" kind is helpful because it's about assessing and changing negative thought patterns/self-talk cycling in your head. There are many other kinds, too, most of which have to do with caring for your emotions, body, and memories.
Loving yourself has so many delightful manifestations - everything from getting enough rest, to curling up with blankets and hot tea, to having a good cry, to allowing your life to take you to your vocation... Read Anita's book for so much good stuff on this!!)
P.P.S. This perspective syncs well with one form of Christianity, and is in direct opposition to another (perhaps the majority) form of it. In order to learn self-love, many people have to leave Christianity because they were exposed to the second, and thank God we have the freedom to do that.
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