Probably due to us planning a wedding ceremony, I've been pretty frustrated with Christianity lately. It is the best of philosophies (love conquers all), it is the worst of philosophies (you're a total piece of shit without God, but He killed his son to fix that, and now you're indebted to Him forever). There are infinite varieties, as infinite as the number of practitioners, but I've had enough experiences with enough varieties to create patterns in my mind that are hard to shake. I'm talking very similar, off-putting behaviors by young and old Christians among parts of mine and all my friends' families - northern, southern, and in-between. I do not blame this behavior on their sinful natures, I blame it on fear, suppressed emotional responses, and the bizarre teachings their cultures extrapolate from a book they all worship and seek answers from, in lieu of a connection to the real God whispering through our hearts, guts, longings, and emotions (whispers that can be illuminated by holy words of Scripture, but also Poetry, or Songs...).
Fear is at the root of what Christians call sin, but they are often so afraid of sinning that they create just as much sin (harming others) through the moralistic judgments and rules they create to anesthetize their anxiety with - rules about politics, behavior, sexuality, food, you name it. I can say this because I WAS this. Christians: as a child of your culture, trust me - the fear of fear creates more fear, in an endless cycle that will end up hurting, exasperating, or completely alienating your children. If you feel estranged from your adult child - do not take the cop out of blaming their "loss of faith" or "where they're stuck in their spiritual journey." Take a look at your fear and the way it drives you, consciously or unconsciously, especially in your relationship with yourself. Intimacy with our loved ones is the reward of self-intimacy; children do not cease to be very perceptive to the energies we give out about ourself and the way we see the world just because they are grown.
It might be some form of evolutionary human nature to create rules out of fear, but it rarely leads to the ends one wishes for. Case in point: I joined the abstinence movement as a teenager. This movement is meant to protect kids from harmful sexual experiences at a young age. I was so afraid of sex that - guess what! - I ended up with a sexually abusive Christian spouse. Too much protection of innocence can lead to easier victimization.(I don't blame my parents for this - they did the best they could with what they had, and their motivations were good.)
I won't be encouraging my kids to live their lives in fear of their bodies, drives, and losing their innocence. We'll figure it out as we go, but I want them to feel brave, strong, able to trust their gut and not just a set of arbitrary rules - and I want them to know they are going to make some mistakes and that I won't guilt them, blame myself, or accuse them of failure when it happens.
I grew up loosely Evangelical, a Christian subgroup which has vast numbers of converts touched by alcoholism in their families one way or another. I wish the correlation could be studied statistically. Evangelical theology is codependency in spiritual form: it is your job to save the person in front of you. If they are an alcoholic, it's your job to love them sober; if they aren't "a believer," it's your job to be Jesus to them and effectively love them away from eternal hell.
Children and grandchildren of alcoholics can spend their whole lives and limited energies on these missions while missing out on all the real reasons we're alive: to receive love as much as we give it, to relish the beauty of each day and ourselves in it, to taste and see that all of this is (or at least can be) so good. I spent my early 20s as a double grandchild of alcoholics (both sides) hugely codependent with my husband's personality issues. I attacked my own emotions as wrong if they contradicted what the Bible seemed to teach me about being loving and endlessly forgiving. I was divorced from my own anger and needs. It took me at least five years to realize my husband's actions were wrong. Yes, I partly blame Christianity for this.
I'm 32 now and still learning how to listen to my emotions and needs. Right now this seems to especially be about facing and being honest about my anger. If you're a relative of an alcoholic, you know this is very par for the course; anger is the ultimate forbidden emotion (never mind if it's the heart's healthy response to a deep wound).
And so, to a huge chunk of Christian thought, I say: Fuck off, and I am so glad to be rid of you. There is a way which seems right to a man, but that path leads to death. If you're one of the empathetic Christians I know and love and you're reading this, I hope you can understand why I need to say it. If you can't - it's not my job to fix that. :-)
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